Writings
Green And Blue » Wed, Mar 14th 2007 9:38 am
I am consumed with jealousy, folks; crippled with it. What’s worse is that I can’t decide if it’s justified or not. So many uncertainties tangled up to form one colossal lump in my throat.
To have lost something that never really fit me… Or did it? I mean, it’s clear I wasn’t wearing it right to begin with. So does that mean that my fears of finding something that fit better could have been unfounded? Either way, I’ve lost it. And someone’s found it. And it fucking fits. Or he’s just wearing it right.
Clearly I’m going crazy. The regret and doubt are like a swallowed chainsaw. Eating’s getting tricky, mostly because nothing tastes good. And, of course, the chainsaw. Sleep’s just as challenging. Somehow I wake up more tired than when I fell asleep.
And all of this for something lost. Something gone. Logic would dictate that all of this is wasted energy. I’ve hit the wall, but I’ve still got my pedal through the floor. (I’m really bad at metaphors.)
Even this. Writing this isn’t helping. Posting this isn’t going to help. But it’s something to do, I guess. My fingers flying furiously, producing little more than alliterations and questionably-cogent sentences. I need a distraction, but I can’t write all day. I need to get out, but the weather sucks. And there’s nowhere to go. And no-one to go anywhere with.
I think about the timing of all of this with tearful chuckling. How perfect, the way things are going now. I’m not sure I can wait seven months to see a shrink, but I can’t afford not to. I don’t think I can afford to, either. Is that a paradox? Or just some kind of perpetual irony?
I think I’ve already exhausted myself.
